Monday, May 16, 2005
No.
Don't play around with me.
Self-doubt is the worst...
It was until today did I understand the doubt that is within. When her words ran through my mind that triggers my feeling, and when I looked straight into her and hoped she had understood the sigh. I couldn't helped but ask myself if the past calls at night or chats made my feelings known to her, that she have had them understood, or no. When I realize the self-doubt is rising in me, I told myself TRUST. Something that is earned, built over time and is invisible...known to heart only.
And if my feelings were being understood, why do I still get smacked by questions like you must study, results very poor, how can I help you? These are questions I never know how to answer. You have to use your heart to feel me, your understanding about me to assure yourself that I really can rise up to occasion.
Sometimes I just hope to filter the things you hear or see. Not all things you perceive mean as what it was heard or seen. People's comments are as empty as shell, to me. But if they affects your thinking towards us, don't blame me to dislike them for that moment. Look deeper...to the core of our hearts. It is definitely not a one-sided effort. Perhaps yes, when you first started out. But it is not anymore...
The tears that fell from Elaine's cheeks made me realized that we're both in the same plight. Something that I myself don't like to share or repeat it to people. Not even to my closest, I would say. And if I do, it must be out of the inner force for them to keep watch over. I feel her in me, literally. The tears did make me want to cry too, but I held back. Sometimes, surviving in this class is a testing - but if you find that there's someone near you(physically) is together with you, it might be something comforting afterall.
I won't let emotions get the better of me anymore; my words to be harshed to anyone anymore. They just make me feel more like shit than ever for that moment. But again, don't blame me at the end of the day if I stray away...because by then, I cannot feel you anymore.
Jealousy, perhaps it lies somewhere.
And my school day ended with buying 2 packets of milk, 2 bars of white chocolates and a packet of marshmellows. I just found my marshmellows about to finish, and tissues were found beside them.
Disclaimer:: This diary is solely for remembering of all bittersweet memories of this seventeen years old girl; feelings at this point of time, with no intention of harming anyone. But I ask of all readers not to discuss any of it - clarify with me if you need it. Concerns are welcome, if not you can just forget after reading. (:
maoed.]
at 4:10 PM
